#1 Factor: Showing Up.

When we finally got to the field, the ground was wet, it was cold out, and immediately Evelyn's tears began to fall. She was uncomfortable. My 4-year-old daughter and I had arrived at her first soccer practice at 9 am on a Saturday, a time when she was usually relaxing comfortably inside, having breakfast with her brother. 

While the other kids ran around on the field, the coaches and I encouraged Evelyn to join them. But every time we pushed, she resisted, holding onto my leg tighter and tighter, and crying loudly. 

The more we pushed, the more she resisted. 

Then we both started to feel the heat from the judgmental eyes of some other parents. The glaring looks seemed to say, "Hey dude, shut your kid up. We are trying to have a game here," and conveyed a clear message that they knew I wanted it more than she did. With tears in her eyes, Evelyn asked if we could leave and go back to the car. 

That would have been an easy thing to do. 

But I decided we should stay. I kept thinking: this is exposing my child to something new. It's OK for her to be uncomfortable in a new environment. As a barely 4-year-old, her tears were the primary way she knew how to express herself in uncomfortable situations. That didn't mean we should let that feeling of being uncomfortable dictate what we did from here. 

Frankly, feeling uncomfortable is how I often feel myself when I'm with people I've never met before. And it usually takes me time to warm up. Isn't that normal? As the minutes ticked by, I realized something else: I needed to stop pushing because that approach clearly  wasn't working. I needed to change the strategy for the next practice. 

My new thought process coming out of the first practice was this: the goal was simply for her to attend each practice and get exposure. No pressure. Just exposure. And hopefully, by the end of the six practices we signed up for, Evelyn would want to get on the field. That would be our big win. 

Fast forward to our second practice. Evelyn started squirming as soon as we got  in the car. I could already see the tears coming in the rearview mirror.  

As we drove up to the soccer field parking lot, she said, "Dad, can we stay in the car?" 

I said, "We are not staying in the car, but you don't have to play if you don't want to. We can just sit on the sideline and watch." 

It was even colder than at the first practice. And Evelyn again said she didn't want to play. I said that was OK, and just held her close and told her I loved her. So we sat on the sidelines for the next 10 minutes, waiting for the practice to end. She sat on my lap, and she watched. 

I began to notice Evelyn getting antsy. Suddenly, she jumped up and ran onto the field and joined the group. Not because Daddy pushed her. Because she wanted it. The exposure had worked! In fact, she was liking playing soccer, and was pretty good. She went on to score a goal (no one chastised her for also using her hands lol) and got two congratulatory hand stamps from the coaches.

While walking back to the car, I told her I was proud of her overcoming her fear, and putting in strong effort. She was all smiles. 

And I was thinking to myself,  Phew! 

This was an important lesson for me as a father: I have to let my kids choose, not choose for them. Not want it more for them than they want it for themselves. My daughter will find her way at her own pace, out of her own curiosity. And my role is to be the one who exposes her to new situations. 

I also realized that this is true within my businesses, as well. When a person is resistant to a particular course of action, it may be time to change the approach and get a different outcome. Provide the exposure, and then let them choose. The more naturally the person wants to take part in the activity, the more likely it is to work. 

If you keep pushing and receiving resistance, you may be on the wrong approach. Or, if nothing changes after enough exposure, it may just be time to move on.

The Best Quinny Full Cheesin’!